THE DUEL OF WORDS
How can you not take anything personally?
The keys to understanding verbal aggression without being subjected to it.
The duel of words evokes a verbal confrontation where each exchange seems like a struggle, often intense and emotional. It's a battle between two individuals who react based on their own pain, insecurities, or frustrations, but who are not always aware of the true message behind their words.
Written by Chloé Lesage - October 2024
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Reading time
About 10 minutes
THE ART OF TAKING NOTHING PERSONALLY: Exploring the power of looking within to transform hurtful words into an opportunity for growth.
We live in a world where words can hurt, where every exchange can become a verbal battle. Yet, there is a subtle and powerful art that allows us to no longer be affected. What if, instead of feeling attacked, we began to see each word as a reflection of the other's inner suffering? This journey invites you to discover how, by changing your perspective, you can transform verbal aggression into a force for inner peace.
What if, starting today, you began to see every word as an opportunity to grow, where every exchange becomes a chance to better understand the other and yourself?
"Let's take a look"!
THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING VERBAL AGGRESSION WITHOUT SUFFERING IT
Whether at work, with loved ones, with family or husband, during a medical consultation or while shopping... we can quickly become the target of verbal aggression... If, like me, just a small sentence, sometimes even indirect, leads you to feel bad and to endless thoughts, know that it is not inevitable. Thanks to the following change of perspective, we can understand human mechanisms, what is at play behind the anger of the other and find peace.
Can you give a concrete example?
Last week, during my son's consultation, the gap between my educational vision and that of the doctor became evident. His instructions became increasingly oppressive, so much so that I ended up explaining our divergent points of view.
The discussion, ultimately short, boiled down to a desperate attempt at increasingly detailed pedagogical explanations on my part against increasingly aggressive shouted commands from him. Every word I uttered seemed to add to the tension. Finally, at the end of my tether, I ended up submitting, repeating complacent "yeses."
When I left the consultation, I was drained and deeply hurt inside, not only because of the struggle, but also because I had felt forced into a position of submission.
COULD THERE BE A HIDDEN MESSAGE?
I happen to know a little bit about this person's background. She feels helpless and disoriented because she's in the middle of a separation right now. In fact, she puffed out her chest and raised her voice in an attempt to regain a sense of control. It was her way of saying, "I feel powerless in my life; I need to take back the power. Plus, I feel tired of struggling; I don't have the strength to make any more effort." If only she could have said it like that, everything would have been different.
As I become aware of the true message, I suddenly feel softened and connected to her with great empathy. I no longer feel a struggle, nor opposition, nor an obligation to submit. I feel equal, with the desire to take her in my arms. How can I blame her for so much vulnerability? So much humanity? Besides, who knows how to manage the feeling of helplessness these days? It's very difficult. I could have been anyone in front of her, she would surely have reacted the same way.
So yes, the form was confusing because it was directed against me, but the substance was directed for her. In reality, I was not the victim of an executioner, but I witnessed a desperate attempt by a person who feels victimized in his own life.
The Toltec agreements are always right: take nothing personally .
BUT HOW CAN WE HEAR THE MESSAGE HIDDEN BEHIND A VERBAL AGGRESSION? ARE WE OBLIGED TO DEFEND OURSELVES?
It's not easy because we're not used to it, but this change of perspective is a form of gymnastics. If we practice one day, it will be easy.
To achieve this, we can keep in mind the revisited version of the tale of "Androcles and the Lion." It is the story where the tribe tries to kill the aggressive lion. In the end, we realize that the lion has a thorn in his paw and that the pain is driving him mad. A child removes it and of course, they end up friends. Of course, because it is this act of connecting to the heart of the other that transmutes situations. We must not underestimate the power of compassion.
Being aggressive is not a personality trait; it is a reaction to pain that we cannot manage.
For example, during my last argument with my husband, he attacked me by saying, "Anyway, you..." ... What's the thorn in his side? At that moment, he felt helpless because he couldn't make himself understood. He felt like he wasn't being listened to and didn't have a say in the matter. He felt excluded.
When I understand that if the other person is aggressive, I am not the subject and that they are only talking about themselves, then I am no longer in the position of the little girl (or little boy) who submits to the authority that imposes itself. I no longer need to feel guilty, judge myself or condemn myself for having dared. I can then remain completely myself, sit down and say those words that will change everything, those that will resonate with the true message: "My dear husband whom I love infinitely, I know that you have an opinion on this subject. What do you want to say? I am listening to you."
COMPASSION: A PATH TO CONTROL OR LIBERATION?
Now that we know that compassion is the best way to respond to a verbal attack, isn't this an unfortunate incentive to more control and mastery in our lives?
Of course, we cannot, in all times, be in this beautiful posture of empathy since we are human and by definition imperfect and variable. We, too, have our own emotions, our own flaws and our own impulses. If we always seek to control ourselves, we will then be on the path to explosion. Moreover, the posture of compassion towards the other already requires having compassion for oneself. It is only once we have been able to transmute our own emotions that we can create an inner space available for the other. This is the condition for the clarity of the true message and the creation of constructive relationships.
IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO BE VERBALLY ATTACKED? SHOULD WE EXCUSE EVERYTHING? SHOULDN'T WE ALSO PUNISH?
No, obviously not. But when I realize it wasn't an assault, I free myself.
We are primarily conditioned by natural and universal defense mechanisms (including in animals) such as attack, stupor, or flight. But now, if we can transform an attack into a clumsy message calling for help, then none of these three reactions would be necessary. We then continue to feel good, spontaneous, and free. Here, it's simply a matter of reversing the assumptions and reflex mechanisms.
The notion of punishment is very present in France. It is based on the assumption that the other person can only understand through fear or suffering. This neglects both the other person's ability to understand and their unmet need. However, many of us have the resources to understand if we explain things to them, or even if we offer them strategies. For example, 2-year-old children were asked to stay in front of a marshmallow for 10 minutes without eating it in order to win a second one. Most were incapable and fell for this wonderful little marshmallow. But when we suggested they use the strategy of imagining that it was a cloud or a painting, and therefore that this marshmallow was inedible, they managed to wait.
We must understand that human nature will always seek comfort, pleasure, love, recognition, and ease. It's just that, most of the time, we haven't learned how to constructively manage our pain, emotions, or needs.
We remain responsible for our actions. Even if the person is acting out of their own pain, they have a duty to work on themselves to find more constructive coping strategies. Just as we are also responsible for our reactions. Those that will lead to an escalation of distress and those that will be constructive, for ourselves first (and possibly for others).
Compassion, therefore, does not mean accepting everything as a yes man. It is clear that we must know how to set boundaries. They are also necessary to provide a framework of security and ensure a certain social peace.
But now we know how to turn an attack into a cry for help. We are free to say no. We can then firmly remind people of the rules that must not be broken. If necessary, we can ask for compensation. Then, if we feel like it, we can listen to the real message and, perhaps, work together to find a more appropriate solution to the underlying needs.
FORGIVENESS: ENCOURAGING BAD BEHAVIOR OR FREEING YOURSELF?
Ultimately, you're saying that everything should be forgiven. Isn't that a way of encouraging bad behavior?
This question reminds me of a story my grandfather told me. His son's wife left him, and 35 years later, he refuses to attend his granddaughters' birthday parties to avoid seeing this woman again. 35 years later, he tries to punish her, but who is he hurting? Himself first, by reliving this story as if time had stood still, and his granddaughters, who cannot see their grandfather during these symbolic and important events that are their birthdays. This woman in question has rebuilt her life and is doing very well. She has moved on. She is not at all affected by this kind of punishment.
Resentment eats away at us from the inside, trapping us in a loop of resentment. Forgiving is not about encouraging the person to continue their actions. Forgiving is about choosing to no longer carry the weight of anger, resentment, and hatred. It means: "Through the gift of love, I bring peace to this matter in order to free myself from it." It is a process that we take for ourselves and that leaves the other person with their responsibility. Forgiving is saying: "Even if I do not agree with what happened, I choose to be at inner peace with this matter. I stop feeding this story. I close it and it is no longer an issue for me." Ultimately, forgiving does not justify the other person's actions, but lightens one's own emotional burden. But Olivier Clerc can tell you more in his book "Can we forgive everything?" It's an alchemical process that we also find in the wonderful documentary "The Infinite Power of the Heart" by Drew Heriot.
Let us also remember with humility that we have all made mistakes in the past. We cannot carry the burden of the past with us all our lives. Experience and maturity are forged over time. Mistakes are necessary. The present moment is always a second chance. It offers us the opportunity to make new choices, repair our mistakes, and create something different.
Between compassion and forgiveness, what do we do with narcissistic perverts and all pathological excesses, even physical attacks?
We are the masters of our inner kingdom. This means we choose who can and cannot come to our door. Yes, we can understand the suffering of others, yes, we can forgive, but that doesn't mean we don't have the duty to protect ourselves and set boundaries, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, if necessary.
COULD WHAT YOU DESCRIBE LEAD US TOWARDS A MORE HUMANE SOCIETY?
It's undeniable that conflict and verbal abuse can affect each of us in our daily lives, and when faced with this, it's often easier to let ourselves be carried away by anger or pain. However, adopting a compassionate approach can transform our experience of these situations.
It is by cultivating this ability to understand others without being overwhelmed, to transform attacks into gestures of cry for help, by forgiving while holding others responsible for their actions, that we can hope to build a more fertile society. I believe that we have a duty to become the best version of ourselves, but also to create the conditions so that others can develop the best of themselves.
From now on, I choose not to take anything personally, to free myself from the weight of resentment, to listen to the other person's true message. I try more fertile postures for constructive relationships. I co-construct deep dialogues and solutions, I choose to sort out the people around me, I set clear boundaries, and I work to bring out the best in others.
Thank you so much Chloe for this enlightening article which teaches us to see beyond words and to react with compassion.
Your wisdom helps us understand the emotions behind aggressive words and transform our reactions into opportunities for connection.
Chloe's Bio
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Chloé LESAGE
Leadership Coach and Project Facilitator
"A warrior at heart, that's often the conclusion I receive when I explain my life journey. After a difficult start on this earth, I sought inner balance and expansion through a 15-year journey of personal development where I tested all conventional and atypical practices.Since we never stop learning, I continually feed my thirst for understanding. High intellectual and emotional potential, I learned to put my abilities at the service of life so that it becomes a gift.
My method is at the junction between who I am, the reappropriation of my 2-year training in personal development coaching as well as all my life experiences.
It is a practice that puts into experience and intervenes, all at the same time, on the body, the emotions and the spiritual dimension. For me, it is out of the question to accompany for years what would cause, in my opinion, dependence. However, my work is to create the conditions for reappropriation of one's inner power to obtain immediate results in the materialization of one's objectives.
More information about his professional career
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THE COUNTER-STORY OF PRINCES AND PRINCESSES
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