THE DUEL OF WORDS
How not to take anything personally?
The keys to understanding verbal aggression without having to endure it.
The duel of words evokes a verbal confrontation where every exchange seems to be a struggle, often intense and emotional. It's a battle between two individuals who react according to their own sufferings, insecurities or frustrations, but who aren't always aware of the real message behind their words.
Written by Chloé Lesage - October 2024
Reducible content
Reading time
Approx. 10 minutes
THE ART OF TAKING NOTHING PERSONALLY: Explore the power of the inner gaze to transform hurtful words into an opportunity for growth.
We live in a world where words can hurt, where every exchange can become a verbal battle. Yet there is a subtle and powerful art that enables us to stop being affected. What if, instead of feeling attacked, we began to see every word as a reflection of the other person's inner suffering? This journey invites you to discover how, by changing your outlook, you can transform verbal aggression into a force for inner peace.
What if, starting today, you began to see every word as an opportunity to grow, where every exchange becomes a chance to better understand the other person and yourself?
"Let's take a look!
THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING VERBAL AGGRESSION WITHOUT HAVING TO ENDURE IT
Whether at work, with loved ones, family or husband, at the corner of a doctor's appointment or while shopping... we can quickly become the target of verbal aggression... If, like me, just a little phrase, sometimes even indirect, leads you to feel bad and to endless cogitations, know that it's not inevitable. Thanks to the following change of perspective, we can understand human mechanisms, what's behind the other person's anger, and find peace again.
Can you give us a concrete example?
Last week, during a consultation for my son, the discrepancy between my educational vision and that of the doctor became obvious. His injunctions were increasingly oppressive, so much so that I ended up explaining our divergent points of view.
The discussion, which was ultimately short-lived, boiled down to a desperate attempt at more and more detailed pedagogical explanations on my part against more and more aggressive shouted injunctions on her part. Every word I uttered seemed to add to the tension. Finally, at my wits' end, I gave in, repeating complacent "yeses".
When I left the consultation, I was drained and deeply hurt inside, not only because of the struggle, but also because I had felt forced into a submissive position.
IS THERE A HIDDEN MESSAGE?
I happen to know a little about this person's background. She's feeling distraught and disoriented because she's in the middle of a separation right now. In fact, she puffed up her chest and raised her voice in an attempt to regain a sense of control. It was her way of saying: "I feel powerless in my life, I need to take back the power. What's more, I'm tired of fighting, I don't have the strength to try anymore." If only she could have said it like that, everything would have been different.
As I become aware of the true message, I suddenly feel tenderized and connected to her in great empathy. I no longer feel combat, opposition or the obligation to submit. I feel like an equal, with the urge to take her in my arms. How can I be angry with her for being so vulnerable? So much humanity? Besides, who knows how to deal with the feeling of powerlessness these days? It's very difficult. I could have been anyone in front of her, and she would surely have reacted the same way.
So yes, the form was confusing because it was directed at me, but the substance was directed at her. In reality, I wasn't the victim of an executioner, but I witnessed a desperate attempt by someone who feels victimized in her own life.
The Toltec Accords are always right: don't take anything personally.
BUT HOW CAN WE HEAR THE HIDDEN MESSAGE BEHIND VERBAL AGGRESSION? ARE WE OBLIGED TO DEFEND OURSELVES?
It's not easy because we're not used to it, but this change of outlook is a gymnastic exercise. If we practice one day, it will be easy.
To achieve this, we can keep in mind the revisited version of the tale of "Androcles and the Lion". This is the story of the tribe's attempt to kill the aggressive lion. In the end, the lion is found to have a thorn in his paw, and the pain is driving him mad. A child takes it away from him and, of course, they end up as friends. Of course, because it's this act of connecting to the heart of the other that transmutes situations. The power of compassion should not be underestimated.
Being aggressive isn't a personality, it's a reaction to pain you can't manage.
For example, during my last argument with my husband, he attacked me by saying "Anyway, you...". ... What's the thorn in his side? At the time, he felt helpless because he couldn't make himself understood. He felt he wasn't being listened to, and that he had no say in the matter. He felt excluded.
When I understand that if the other person aggresses, I'm not the subject of it, and that he's only talking about himself, then I'm no longer in the position of the little girl (or boy) who submits to the authority that imposes itself. I no longer need to feel guilty, judge or condemn myself for having dared. Then I can be completely myself, sit down and say those words that will change everything, the ones that will resonate with the real message: "My dear husband, whom I love infinitely, I know you have an opinion on this subject. What do you want to say? I'm listening."
COMPASSION: A PATH TO CONTROL OR LIBERATION?
Now that we know that compassion is the best way to react to a verbal attack, isn't this an unfortunate incitement to more control and mastery in our lives?
Of course, we can't, in all weathers, be in this beautiful posture of empathy, since we are human and by definition imperfect and variable. We too have our own emotions, our own flaws and our own impulses. If we always try to control ourselves, we'll be on the road to explosion. In fact, compassion for others requires compassion for ourselves. It's only once we've been able to transmute our own emotions that we can create an inner space available to others. This is the prerequisite for understanding the true message and creating constructive relationships.
IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO BE VERBALLY ABUSED? SHOULD WE EXCUSE EVERYTHING? SHOULDN'T WE ALSO PUNISH?
No, of course not. But when I understand that it wasn't an attack, I free myself.
We are mainly conditioned by natural and universal defense mechanisms (including in animals): attack, stupor or flight. But now, if we can transform an attack into a clumsy cry for help, then none of these 3 reactions would be necessary. We'd continue to feel good, spontaneous and free. Here, it's just a question of reversing the presuppositions and reflex mechanisms.
The notion of punishment is very present in France. It assumes that the other person can only understand through fear or suffering. This neglects both the other person's ability to understand and their unmet needs. And yet, many of us have the resources to understand if we explain and even suggest strategies. For example, 2-year-olds were asked to stay 10 minutes in front of a CHAMALLOW without eating it, in order to win a second one. Most of them were unable to do so, and fell for this wonderful little CHAMALLOW. But when they were asked to use the strategy of imagining that it was a cloud or a painting, and therefore that this CHAMALLOW was not edible, they managed to wait.
We must understand that human nature will always be to seek comfort, pleasure, love, recognition and ease. It's just that, most of the time, we haven't learned to deal constructively with our suffering, our emotions or our needs.
We remain responsible for our actions. Even if a person acts under the influence of their own suffering, they have a duty to work on themselves to find more constructive coping strategies. Just as we are responsible for our own reactions. Those that will escalate our suffering, and those that will be constructive, for ourselves first (and possibly for others).
Compassion does not mean accepting everything as a yes-man. Clearly, we need to know how to set limits. They are necessary to provide a framework of security and ensure a certain social peace.
But since we now know how to turn an attack into a call for help. We are free to say no. We can then firmly remind you of the rules not to be broken. If need be, we can ask for redress. Then, if we feel like it, we can listen to the real message and, if necessary, work together to find a more appropriate solution to the underlying needs.
FORGIVENESS: ENCOURAGING BAD BEHAVIOR OR FREEING YOURSELF?
Finally, you half-say that we must forgive everything. Isn't this a way of encouraging bad behavior?
This question reminds me of a story about my grandfather. His son's wife left him, and 35 years later, he refuses to attend his granddaughters' birthdays to avoid running into her again. 35 years later, he seeks to punish her, but who is he hurting? To himself first, by reliving this story as if time had stood still, and to his granddaughters, who are unable to see their grandfather on those symbolic and important occasions when they celebrate their birthdays. The woman in question has rebuilt her life and is doing very well. She's moved on. She's not affected at all by this kind of punishment.
Resentment eats away at us from the inside, trapping us in a loop of resentment. To forgive is not to encourage the person to continue his or her actions. To forgive is to choose not to carry the weight of anger, resentment and hatred. It means: "By the gift of love, I bring peace to this matter, so that I may be free of it". It's a step we take for ourselves, leaving the responsibility to the other person. To forgive is to say: "Even if I don't agree with what has been, I choose to be at peace with it. I stop feeding this story. I close it and it's no longer a subject for me." Ultimately, forgiving doesn't justify the other person's actions, but it does lighten one's own emotional burden. But Olivier Clerc can tell you more in his book "Peut-on tout pardonner? It's an alchemical process that is also featured in Drew Heriot's wonderful documentary "The Infinite Power of the Heart".
Let's also remember, with humility, that we've all made mistakes in the past. We can't carry the weight of the old for the rest of our lives. Experience and maturity are forged over time. Mistakes are necessary. The present moment is always a second chance. It offers us the chance to make new choices, to right our wrongs and produce something different.
Between compassion and forgiveness, what do we do about narcissistic perverts and all the pathological aberrations, even physical aggression?
We are masters of our inner kingdom. Which means we choose who comes to our door and who doesn't. We can understand the suffering of others. Yes, we can understand the suffering of others, yes we can forgive, but that doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves and set limits - physical, emotional and spiritual - if necessary.
COULD WHAT YOU DESCRIBE LEAD US TO A MORE HUMANE SOCIETY?
There's no denying that conflict and verbal aggression can affect each and every one of us in our daily lives, and in the face of it, it's often easier to get carried away by anger or hurt. However, adopting a compassionate approach can transform our experience of these situations.
It is by cultivating this ability to understand others without allowing ourselves to be invaded, to transform attacks into cries for help, to forgive while holding others accountable for their actions, that we can hope to build a more fertile society. I believe we have a duty to become the best version of ourselves, but also to create the conditions for others to develop the best in themselves.
From now on, I choose not to take anything personally, to free myself from the weight of resentment, to listen to the other person's true message. I try out more fertile postures for constructive relationships. I co-construct deep dialogues and solutions, I choose to sort out the people around me, I set clear limits, and I work to bring out the best in the other person.
Thank you so much Chloé for this enlightening article that teaches us to see beyond words and respond with compassion.
Your wisdom helps us to understand the emotions behind aggressive words, and to transform our reactions into opportunities for connection.
Chloé's bio
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Chloé LESAGE
Leadership coach and project facilitator
Warrior at heart" is often the conclusion I get when I explain my life path. After a rocky start on this earth, I sought inner balance and expansion through a 15-year personal development journey in which I tested all conventional and atypical practices.Because learning never stops, I'm constantly nourishing my thirst for understanding. As a person with high intellectual and emotional potential, I've learned to put my abilities at the service of life so that it becomes a gift.
My method is at the crossroads of who I am, the reappropriation of my 2-year training in personal development coaching and all my life experiences.
It's a practice that involves the body, the emotions and the spiritual dimension all at the same time. For me, it's out of the question to accompany someone for years on end, which would, in my opinion, lead to dependency. My job, however, is to create the conditions for reappropriating one's inner power, so as to achieve immediate results in materializing one's objectives.
Find out more about his career
More articles by Chloé...
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TRANSFORMING HYPERSENSITIVITY INTO STRENGTH
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LEARN TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS
DISCOVER THE ARTICLEDiscover how to give meaning to each step by setting realistic goals and turning obstacles into opportunities.
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THE COUNTER-STORY OF PRINCES AND PRINCESSES
DISCOVER THE ARTICLEDiscover how to rewrite our fairy-tale beliefs for a balanced and free life based on respect.
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